The Most Badass Fanfic Ever
by capyle
Summary: A story so badass, it doesn't need a plot summary... or a plot.
1. Underestimated

Hans Landa took a long drag from his pipe. He stood in a German warehouse, surrounded by his men. It was dark; the light of the moon and the lanterns produced what little light there was. Before him sat a wooden crate containing an object of immense power. He quietly stared at the crate, fully absorbing the levity of the moment before nodding to his men who shoved crowbars into the top section and opened it. A slow smile crept across his face, indicating that it was time to relax for a moment and let his guard down. After all, his enemy was dead and he had what he was looking for: the Necronomicon.

(Centuries from now, Landa will be eaten by the time-traveling zombie of James T. Kirk and think of this moment with bitter regret.)

The Book of the Dead sat in the crate; the stench of a centuries old book bound by human flesh was ripe in the air. The horrible, mummified face of the cover seemed to snarl at the Nazis gazing at it. A few of the SS soldiers carefully stepped back out of nothing but fear and respect for the legendary book. Some of them were superstitious but even those that weren't felt a shiver crawl up their spines. Everyone in the room was uneasy except for one. Hans Landa slipped leather gloves over his hands and carefully reached into the crate, hefting the ancient tome into the moonlight. His enemy had found the book first and Landa had spent the past few weeks persuing him across the Middle East. He finally dealt with him in Turkey and had the book shipped to a faraway warehouse in Germany while traveling seperately. He needed to be as descrete as possible. Now, after a series of frustrations, he was victorious. He did not notice the figure creeping along the scaffolding above. "Drink up, gentlemen," he told his men in German, "Our quest is at an end."

Professor Indiana Jones dropped on top of two men, rendering them unconscious. An officer spun around, brandishing a StG 44 machine gun, only for a leather whip to wrap itself around the muzzle. A moment later, it was no longer in his grasp. The rest of the soldiers had much better reaction times. Indiana ducked down behind a large stack of crates as bullets flew overhead. Landa smiled and raised his hand, signaling for his men to cease fire.

"Doctor Jones," Landa called out in perfect English, "You never fail to impress me."

"I have that effect on people," Indiana responded as he loaded his pistol while sitting behind a crate.

"Indeed. It seems that I have underestimated you again. When we first met, I witnessed you riding a motorcycle on top of a moving train, jumping at the last moment before it went over a cliff, barely managing to latch onto a passing bi-plane. I thought then, 'I should not underestimate this man' and yet… here I am with the firm belief that you died in Turkey when you were trapped in that ancient tomb."

"You might be surprised how often that happens."

Indy rose to his feet, firing a bullet into the chest of a nearby Nazi. They opened fire again as Indiana rolled along the ground and vanished behind a column. Hans stood by patiently as if he were waiting for a bus. The Nazis raced toward the archeologist, searching between the stacks of crates surrounding them. Everything had gone eerily quiet. There was no sign of the American, ... until one of them spotted Indiana's fedora behind a crate. He pulled his Luger wildly and took the shot, knocking the hat onto the floor. Landa stayed behind, the Necronomicon tucked neatly under one arm while he smoked his pipe with his free hand. The soldiers examined the area, quickly realizing that the hat was simply propped up in place with a broom handle. Before they could report back to their commander, Dr. Jones leapt out of the shadows, delivering a swift right cross to Hans' cheek. Landa hit the ground and Indy snatched the Necronomicon, racing quickly for the door. The Nazis opened fire, blasting several holes through everything in sight. Indiana ran and slid along the floor; avoiding the gunfire, he picked up his hat as he passed. He placed it on his head and straightened it before making it out of the warehouse.

Once he made it out into the night, he froze. The city street had previously been quiet. This was a small village near the border of Switzerland. The warehouse sat in a wide alley with a few apartments and shops surrounding it. Beyond that, there was a forest, followed by vast hills and mountains. He had a truck stashed nearby that would have been used for a getaway vehicle had his plan gone smoothly. Now, his truck was nowhere to be found but that wasn't what really bothered him. He was facing a street filled with German military jeeps, two dozen soldiers, and at least one tank. Indy sighed. Hans exited the warehouse, followed by his remaining men, and clapped his hands together with sincere excitement.

"Oh good, it's your turn to underestimate me!," he said cheerfully, "Even though I believed you to be dead, Dr. Jones, you should not have assumed that I didn't call reinforcements. The Fuhrer is very interested in the Book of the Dead and I will take every precaution to ensure that no one takes it." While it was true that the Fuhrer was interested in the book, Hans Landa secretly had no intention of actually giving it to him. He kept up the illusion anyway due to the fact that secrets don't work as well if you reveal them. Hans made his way over to Indiana and snatched the book from his hands. A German soldier poked him in the ribs with a Luger. Reluctantly, he complied and raised his hands, allowing the soldier to take his pistol and whip.

"Good luck reading that thing anyway, Landa," Indiana sneered, "Assuming the legends are true, unless you can read ancient Summerian, that thing isn't gonna do you much good."

Hans raised a single eyebrow as if challenged to a duel, opened the book, and began reading the ancient Summerian text with perfect pronunciation.

"Just my luck," Indiana muttered.


	2. Just in Time

Hans Landa managed to get halfway through the first sentence of the Necronomicon before a strong wind blew through the air, bringing a supernatural chill. "_Tantir-ah-mis-trobeen-ha-zar-ta_," Hans Landa began. While Dr. Jones muttered to himself, Landa's soldiers grew uneasy once the hairs on the backs of their necks began to rise. "_Tantir-man-ov-mis-hazen-sober_," a swift wind blew, carrying a supernatural chill. Indy fell silent and perked up once he felt the strange chill that seemed to turn his heart to ice. That was all that Hans was able to read and some of his own men were silently relieved for what happened next.

A metal disc flew through the air, taking down soldiers, knocking their weapons out of their hands, or even chopping the guns in half. The metal object curved around Indiana Jones, coming back around to take down several more Nazis on the other side of him. A red glove snatched it out of the air. A moment later, a boot struck a soldier in the head, sending him tumbling into the next one standing beside him. Landa peered into the darkness, trying to make out the figure that was now throwing German soldiers in every direction. Indiana took the opportunity to tackle the nearest Nazi who also happened to be the one who took his whip and pistol. He threw a few punches to render him unconscious and then slung his whip over his shoulder. Next came his pistol, which he used to take shots at the surrounding Nazis.

The tank took aim. The Nazis fell back and Indy found himself staring down the barrel of a uncomfortably large canon. A red glove snatched him by the back of his jacket and they darted into an alley just before the tank fired. The tank took aim again, firing another shot into the nearby building, blasting the alley and caving it in. The Nazis regrouped and began to persue, only for Landa to call out to them, "There's no need, gentlemen," he gazed at the Necronomicon which was still firmly in his grasp. I have all that I need."

(A few years ago but a few days in his future, Hans Landa will be in the grasp of a giant gorilla and will realize that he needed the Necronomicon as much as he needed a shot in the balls.)

Once they cleared the small village and hid at the mouth of the forest, Indiana finally got a good look at the figure currently rescuing him. He was a young, muscular man in a blue costume with a white midsection. Red stripes ran down his abdomen, just above a utility belt. Half of his sleeves were also white, just above a pair of red gloves. His mask covered half his face, revealing only his eyes, nose, and mouth. On his forehead was an "A". On his back was the shield that saved his life: red and white concentric circles around a blue one with a star in the middle.

"I'm Captain America," he explained, "I'm with the US government. We received notice from an international agency calling itself the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense."

"Never heard of it."

"Neither did I until they contacted the army. They study paranormal activity and needed me specifically for this job. The BPRD wanted to take every precaution to ensure that the Nazis did not get a book called the Necronomicon."

"Well I have news for you, kid. They got it anyway. You were too busy saving my hide while Hans Landa made off with it."

"You must be Professor Jones. I was given word that you were in pursuit of the Necronomicon and I was to seek you out."

"You came to the right guy but like I said, they have the book and they're probably on their way back to the Fuhrer by now. Still and all, it's not too late. We both tracked them down before so we should be able to do it again."

"We need to hurry. I've been told that the book holds vast mystical powers."

"I suppose... if you believe that sort of thing."

Just then, the air shifted, bubbled, and twisted in ways that both men knew really shouldn't be happening. It was followed by a sound that likewise should not have been made. Captain America raised his shield while Indiana produced his pistol. The air rippled, seemingly pulled itself apart, and emitted white light. A large, shadowy figure stepped through the opening as it began to close; the light fading as reality mended itself. Soon, the air stopped doing things that it shouldn't be doing and was back to normal. The two men did not lower their weapons, however. The reason being that they were now face to face with a six foot tall demon in a trenchcoat smoking a cigar. It was red, had horns that had been cut in half, and its right hand seemed to be made of stone.

"I'm Hellboy," he told them, "I'm here to get to kick Nazis ass and get the Necronomicon... and I'm all out of bubblegum. Okay, that last part wasn't as funny as it was in my head."


	3. And Far Too Late

Present Day...

Hellboy followed Professor Bloom down the hallway of the BPRD headquarters. He was asked to come to a private meeting but was unaware of the circumstances. Bloom wouldn't tell him until they had reached their destination. Whatever it was, he knew it was urgent since Bloom kept fidgeting with the manila folder in his hands. He only fidgeted when he had bad news.

"I know it's bad news, so why don't you tell me?," Hellboy asked.

"We're nearly there. Just a moment," Bloom explained.

Bloom punched a sequence of buttons in a keypad and unlocked the vault door in front of them. They entered through the doorway to a second vault door which was older and rusty. This one was simply unlocked by an old key in Bloom's pocket. They entered a large chamber filled with old, mechanical devices. A round immersion tank sat in the corner, emptied of whatever liquid was once inside of it. Two metal coils reached the ceiling. Broken equipment was stacked on top of one another on an old work bench. There were dozens of lockers and crates filled with rusted metal. This was a room that Hellboy was not as familiar with but he knew of it. It was essentially an old storage room filled with mechanical devices from the turn of the century. They were scraps the BPRD recovered from mad scientists in Europe several decades ago. Most no longer worked. Others were obsolete.

Bloom pointed to what appeared to be a large, round gateway leading to nothing in particular. Metal coils were wrapped around the gateway with several rods jutting out in different directions. Connected to the gateway was a control panel filled with various nobs, dials, and gears. "This," Bloom informed him, "Is a time machine."

"Okay," Hellboy replied.

"It was built by Nicoli Tesla in 1927. When the BPRD was formed, he worked with us in secret and revealed this invention soon after. He was never brave enough to test it out himself but we found out that it did, indeed work. We didn't get carried away, of course. The timestream as you know, is quite fragile. We ended up locking it away here for storage. As you can understand, we've kept it under wraps for some time."

"Sure. So what's it for?"

"Look at this," Bloom finally handed the manila folder to Hellboy.

"It's a mission report," Hellboy shrugged, "Looks like it was back during the second world war. The BPRD wasn't fully formed yet, right?".

"It becomes stranger," Bloom pointed out, "We previously had no record of this mission. The report spontaneously appeared in our archives. In fact, it involves the participation of Captain America and a Professor Indiana Jones despite the fact that we have never employed them in the past."

"So you think something's gone screwy with the timestream and you want me to use this hunk of junk?"

"Read further."

"Alright... looks like they were after the Necronomicon. That's the Book of the Dead!," Hellboy slapped himself on the forehead, "And they ended up losing it to Nazis!"

"The Book of the Dead does contain spells involving opening portals through time, among other things. We have reason to believe that the book was used by the Nazis, effecting the timestream. If our theory is correct, this phenomena will only get worse, resulting in time and space being torn apart."

"And you need me to go after this book?"

"Precisely," Bloom turned to the control panel, The Science Department had a look at the controls. Going by the mission report, we should be able to send you to the most accurate time and place. Hopefully, you'll be able to help those two men. We need to make sure the Nazis don't use the Necronomicon."

"Hey, no problem. You know how much I don't like Nazis. Any excuse to bash their heads in is a good one."

"I hate to rush you," Bloom explained, "But time is of the essence, so to speak. You should be meeting Jones and the Captain fairly soon once you reach Germany. They'll be able to fill you in on the details."

"No problem," Hellboy explained as he carefully stepped toward the machine, "I was born in this decade so I should be able to get a handle on things well enough. What about getting back?"

"Once the timestream is fixed, you should return to the present. In fact, none of us should be able to remember what happened. But just in case, try to return to the very spot you disappeared from. We'll be reopening the gateway in approximately one hour our time and one day your time."

Bloom turned several nobs and dials on the control panel. There was a loud CLANG, followed by a violent shaking from the machine. It rumbled for a few seconds before electricity ran up the coils, making their way to the rods above. The electric energy splayed out from the rods and then reached down toward the gateway. Once the energy struck the center of the gateway, it erupted into a void of white light. The machine rattled as if waking up for the first time in decades. A few bolts shook lose and clattered to the floor. The air twisted around it in ways that it shoudn't have been doing.

"Good luck."

"Don't need it."

Hellboy stepped through the void. Shortly after, the machine was shut off. He met Captain America and Indiana Jones upon arrival and made a joke he quickly regretted. Hellboy took a puff from his cigar and surveyed the area. "Germany, right?," he asked before taking the cigar from his mouth, "Just like I remember it."

"Who are you and where did you come from?," Captain America asked. Indiana was too busy disbelieving his own eyes.

"I'm Hellboy. I'm from the future, believe it or not. Actually, I'm from this time period originally but at the moment, I'm just a kid," he recieved two blank stares for his efforts so he dropped the issue, "Anyway, you're Captain America, right?"

"I am."

"It's an honor to meet you," Hellboy shook his hand, "You're a legend in my time period."

"I'm getting the feeling that not all of our questions have been answered yet," Indiana growled, "It sounds to me that you just traveled through time."

"Yep. Long story about that one."

"That's impossible," Indy scoffed.

"I agree. I'll fill you in later about how I wasn't able to do it," Hellboy continued, "You both should be familiar with the BPRD by now."

"Yes, I've been in contact with them," Captain America answered.

"Good. So you both know about the Necronomicon and that we need to get it ASAP."

"Yes."

"Well, in the future, the BPRD will send me through time to help you. From what we understand, you guys meet here at this time and place but fail to stop Hans Landa from obtaining the Book of the Dead. Now that I'm here, we can find the book before he does."

"Actually, he has the book already."

"Well, crap."

Hans Landa raised the Necronomicon over his head. He had spent the last several minutes reading from the book. It held far more than he could imagine. The Sun was rising so he knew that the book's full powers would not be usable soon. He stood on a nearby cliff. His men followed him but relegated themselves to waiting at the foot of the mountain. Hans opened to a particular passage. He had several men already but he found a means in which to formulate a more powerful army, which he would need in order to overthrow the Fuhrer himself. With morning approaching, it would be several hours before he could fully utilize its magic so now was the time. He would be recieving visitors soon and he was not going to underestimate Doctor Jones again. "_Tanir-ka-rama_," he began to read, "_No-megutta-sober __ka_," he continued. The wind blew harshly. The cliff rumbled. His men contemplated running away but were too afraid to move. Hans continued for reasons he didn't quite know, "_Gappa-gappa-yeeahh!" _The skies overhead grew dark, the clouds swirling around ominously. "_Kan-Tar!," _Hans shouted. Lightning struck the edge of the cliff. "_KKAAAANNN-TTTTAAAARRRR!"._

There was a howling in the air as reality itself broke apart. A burst of eldritch light erupted from nowhere. This was followed by another. And then another. His men covered their faces but Hans Landa stood and smiled politely at the figures falling through. Down below, Helloby, Indy, and Captain America noticed the bolts of light bursting from the cliff and raced ahead. They had managed to get back to the warehouse and Indiana was able to retrieve his lost truck. Pillars of unnatural light shot out of the cliff in several directions, accompanied by horrible sounds. It seemed as though they were too late. Indiana and Captain America hopped into the cab while Hellboy sat in the bed. The truck skidded over the dirt road to the cliff. Meanwhile, the people in the nearby apartments were somewhat concerned.

The lights faded away, the air cleared, and in the distance, the Sun began to rise pleasantly. Landa's men decided that the worst was over now that the Sun was coming up. They were wrong but they couldn't be blamed for the sentiment. Hans calmly strolled to the figures on the ground in front of him. They were all unconscious, allowing Hans to have a good look at each of them. He smiled and strolled forward to greet them.


	4. The Plight of Nazi Henchmen

The first figure was a thin man in a lab coat with glasses. He did not appear to be of much use.

Next, Hans noticed two extremely short, odd looking men. They were dressed in blue overalls. One had a red hat and shirt and the other wore green. The hats had an "M" and an "L" respectively on the front. They had large eyes, large noses, and bushy black mustaches. The one in red was shorter and fatter than they slightly taller, thinner figure. They appeared to be brothers.

The next one was a young man with a lantern jaw who wore a blue shirt and brown pants. A shotgun was holstered over his shoulder and one of his hands had apparently been chopped off and replaced by a chainsaw. He had more promise than the others so far.

It wasn't much but it was a start. Landa was simply pleased that the Necronomicon was proving to be worth the trouble. Of course, even if it ended up being a false legend, he would've been happy with the pursuit alone. He had always been good at finding things. His thoughts were soon interrupted by commotion down below. The men were scattering as their jeeps were tossed over their heads. Hellboy swatted a cluster of them into the air, "Oh this is gonna be fun," he snickered. Captain America flipped over his head, launching his shield into one soldier before landing feet first into the face of another. Hans watched the carnage, not noticing Indiana Jones climbing over the cliff behind him.

Indiana quickly tackled Hans to the ground. Landa's normally gentle demeanor changed immediately. He snarled and shoved a gloved hand into Indy's face and reached for the pistol holstered on his belt. Indiana grabbed his wrist and forced it against the ground as a single bullet went off. He then delivered a sharp punch into Landa's jaw, rendering him unconscious. He snatched the book from the ground and slipped it into his satchel. That was when he noticed the unconscious figures around him.

Captain America raced up the cliff, using his shield to block bullets, eventually turning it into a battering ram as he got close, spilling German soldiers onto the ground. The tank roared over the rocks, crushing them under its treads before it finally stopped in front of the super soldier. It lowered its canon, taking aim, only for a stone hand to punch it, bending it in half. This happened a moment before the canon went off, causing the entire tank to explode, sending Hellboy into the sky. He hit the ground, almost falling off the cliff before catching himself. "Don't worry `bout me," he told Captain America as he dangled over the side, "I can hack it!". The captain nodded and continued to race up the mountain. Once Hellboy got top side, he saw the remaining Nazis staring at him fearfully. He raised his arms and roared loudly. They promptly turned and ran. He laughed out loud, dusted himself off, and moved on. Once he reached the top of the cliff, he saw Indiana and Captain America gathering the unconscious men on the ground.

"Who the Hell are they?," he asked.

"Who knows," Indiana sneered, "Grab a body."

Hellboy threw the two full grown men over his shoulders while Captain America lifted the smaller men on his shoulders. They took a look at Landa. Before any of them asked, Captain America explained, "There's no way we can properly imprison him. It's best that we get out of here now that we have the Necronomicon!" They silently agreed and quickly made their way down the mountain. What was left of the Nazis were wounded, unconscious, or they were still running.

The villagers were in no position to argue. Between the strange lights on the mountain and the even stranger visitors coming to their inn, they knew their best option was to remain quiet. After all, who would be stupid enough to argue with a demon, a super soldier, and a man with a whip who were in possession of four limp bodies? The old man behind the counter showed them upstairs and with nervous, trembling hands, unlocked the door for them. They came in and dropped the bodies on the twin beds. Indiana placed his hat on the rack, walked over to the sink, and washed his face. He grabbed the old, ripped towel by the mirror and dried off. Once he was calm, he turned to the others.

"Okay, now what?"

The Nazis ran through the forest for several minutes before they finally dropped out of exhaustion. The situation with the Necronomicon was unnerving enough but the demon and super soldier appearing out of nowhere was too much. They were finished with this mission. As affable as Landa was, they couldn't follow him any longer. Things had gotten far too weird. In fact, some of them assumed Landa was dead. They were more than aware that the cost of abandoning their posts was punishable by death. They preferred that over the alternative... whatever the Hell that would've meant for them.

**_Something was moving through the woods..._**

The Nazis were not far from the border anyway. It could be very easy for them to sneak over to Switzerland and restart their lives. Even if they were caught, once the tribunals learned of their plight, they might have mercy on them. Who wanted to be a Nazi anyway?

_**Something was moving faster...**_

They camped out in a clearing. Whatever supplies they managed to obtained, they used. Some of them decided to take a rest. They had a long day. They were relieved just to know that they could finally relax. Also, what was up with that demon? They expected Captain America but that demon more than unexpected. It was uncalled for.

_**Something moved even faster, knocking over small trees as it rushed into the camp...**_

A young soldier screamed.


	5. It Gets Weirder

"So let me get this straight, Indiana began, "You're a witch-demon hybred who was actually born in Hell for the sole purpose of bringing about the Norse myth of Ragnarok?"

"Basically," Hellboy answered him, "Well, it's not quite a myth. It kinda is, I guess. At least your undertsanding of it but..."

"That hand of yours..."

"The Right Hand of Doom?"

"Right... It's supposed to be the key to Ragnarok?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, I'm not really interested in bringing about the end of humanity. Not on most days, anyway."

Indiana scratched his forehead, "I must've snapped somehow."

"I'm sorry but there's something that concerns me," Captain America interrupts, "Hellboy, you said you're from the future. Apparently Hans Landa would've used the Necronomicon to alter the timeline and you were sent to help stop him. We have the book now but Hans still ended up using it. From the looks of it, these gentlemen seem to be from the future as well. Do you think that's possible?"

"Well yeah, I mean the Book of the Dead is supposed to have all sorts of spells to open gateways to other timeliness... and dimensions."

"So if he did this, could that have already altered the timeline in some way that we don't realize."

"Damn. I have no idea. I mean, if these fellas are even from other niverses, who knows what is happening to time and space. In fact, I don't even know how much damage I did on my own just by coming here. This is like a bad Star Trek episode. You guys remember the one where a midget was riding William Shatner like a pony? That was a weird one."

"You're swallowing all of this magic mumbo-jumbo pretty easily," Indiana turned to Captain America.

"You do realize there's a demon in the room with ya, right?," Hellboy lit his cigar.

"This will have to wait, men. Our guests are waking up," Captain America told them.

The first man to wake up was the thin man in a lab coat and purple pants. He sat up, fixed his glasses, and peered around the room nervously. Captain America placed a hand on his shoulder, making him jump back. "Calm down. Take it easy," he told him. The man looked frantically around the room.

"What the Hell happened? What...," he stopped once he saw Captain America and his eyes widened, "Cap?"

"You know me?"

"I know... a younger version of you. You - you don't recognize me do you?," he looked around the room again, "Where am I?"

"You're among friends. You should take a moment to calm your nerves."

"You have no idea how right you are," the man curled up on the bed and closed his eyes, desperately trying to remain calm.

Next came the brothers. They sat up in bed. The short, fat one did a little back flip, followed by "Ya-hoo!" The thinner one climbed off the bed and looked a bit more nervous. "I'mma Mario," the fat one greated them. "And I'm Luigi," the thinner one spoke up after becomming slightly more comfortable with his surroundings. The thin man on the bed curled up tighter, "God, what's happening? I don't need this!".

"Mario. Luigi," Captain America shook their hands, "I'm Captain America. This is Hellboy and Dr. Jones."

"Nice to meet ya," Hellboy waved.

"How ya do'in?," Indiana nodded.

"Do you remember anything that happened to you or why you're here?," Captain America asked.

"We were-ah in the Mushroom Kingdom one minute an' the next minute... POOF! We were-ah warped here," Mario responded in a thick, stereotypical accent.

"H-How did we get here?," Luigi stammered.

"It all started with a mystical book that pulled you form time and space...," The explanation was cut short when the final man awakened. He jumped up, roaring loudly and pulled the chord on his chainsaw. "Who the Hell are you people?," he demanded. The thin man in the lab coat held his hands over his head and muttered to himself. The rest backed away as the chainsaw began swinging in their direction. "Just hold on a minute, son," Captain America held his hands out defensively. The man who would soon be known to the group as Ash suddenly noticed the mummified face staring at him from across the room.

Sweat formed on his brow. He shook his head in bewilderment. The others desperately tried to calm him down but their voices fell on deaf ears. Ash had spent the past several days trying to rid himself of that book. Most of his friends were gone. His life was mostly over. He had crawled and fought his way through time itself in order to finally get rid of it and yet... it was here once again. No doubt this was the Necronomicon's doing. It wanted him here. It wanted him to see how desolate his situation was and how insignificant his actions were. It mocked him. It spat at his very soul. "No!," he shouted and lunged for the book. Before anyone could react, the Necronomicon was in his hands... or his hand, rather. The next instance, he was hurling himself out the window onto the hard ground outside. Despite the drop, he managed to crawl to his feet and take off.

Hellboy was the first to try to go after him but there was a problem: a big, green fist swung into his chest, sending him through the farthest wall of the room. The others turned to the direction of the thin man in the lab coat. He was no longer there. In his place was a massive green humanoid rippling with muscles.

"HULK SMASH!," it roared.


	6. Monster A GoGo

Hans Landa woke up some time after Professor Jones and his allies left the cliff. He slammed his hand against the ground in frustration once he learned the Necronomicon had been stolen again. Down below, his tank was destroyed, most of his jeeps were overturned, and many of his men had apparently fled. The few who remained were wounded or unconscious. Despite these setbacks, it wouldn't do to have his men see him so distraught. He stood up proudly, dusted himself off, and strode down to greet his remaining soldiers. After a few moments of lifting their spirits, he took them down the mountain and led them to a villager's house. There, they recuperated. The villagers seemed nervous which Landa took as a good sign. If they were nervous, that means they had something to hide. If they had something to hide, it was likely that Indiana and his friends were still nearby. And of course, if they were nearby, then the Necronomicon...

… was being carried by the man with the chainsaw hand as he ran down the street. "That was convenient," Landa said to himself as he gazed out the window. He quickly led his men out the front door, thanking the home owner as he exited.

In the woods, a lone German soldier ran through the trees, panicking. He was the last one. It got the rest, whatever it was. It wasn't going to take him as well. He was determined. He had no idea where he was running. In fact, no thoughts were going through his mind other than an intense desire to get as far away as possible. His heart was pumping out of his chest and sweat was pouring off of him. He was beyond exhaustion but he was not giving up. His legs were numb but that was a good thing. He felt no pain, allowing them to carry him onward. Unfortunately, it also made him much clumsier. He tripped and fell face first into mud. He sat up and quickly noticed several Nazi uniforms. The men he once recognized as his brothers in arm surrounded him. He closed his eyes and managed to spit out a prayer between sobs. "No more words," he heard a hissing voice, "Oblivion is all that you have to look forward to now." He tried to scream when he felt razor sharp teeth sinking into his spine.

Ash ran down the street, practically hyperventilating. He finally stopped in a narrow alley and almost fell over. He breathed heavily, catching his breath. The Necronomicon fell at his feet. He had no idea where he was but he knew it was the book's fault. The weird characters he left at the inn were somehow involved, more than likely. Ash knew he had to get the thing away from them and destroy it once and for all. He regained his composure, stood up straight, and calmly pulled the shotgun from his back holster. "It ends now, you son of a bitch. IT ENDS NOW!," he pointed the gun at the book with his finger on the trigger.

At that moment, a dozen guns were cocked and raised. He turned, witnessing Hans Landa pointing a Luger at his forehead. "The book if you please," Landa asked with a smile. Ash slung his shotgun around, pointing it back at Landa. "Nazis?," he muttered, "Eh... Why the hell not." He couldn't be bothered to be surprised about anything anymore. He only thought about destroying that damn book. God help anyone who stood in his way. If they were Nazis, then even God wasn't likely to help.

Back at the inn, Captain America, Indy, and the brothers were leaping out of a broken window. They landed twelve feet down, rolling as they hit the dirt. A moment later, the wall of their room exploded through sheer force, sending bricks flying several blocks away. The green behemoth calling himself the Hulk dropped. When he landed, the ground shook violently. Captain America was the first to attack by hurling his shield which banked off the Hulk's forehead and elicited no response from the creature. The shield swung back in the air to the super soldier, "We have to get the Necronomicon." He rolled out of the way as a green fist created a large pothole where he once stood. "What about this thing?," Indiana fired a few shots form his pistol, emptying everything he had. The bullets bounced harmlessly off the Hulk's back but it still got his attention. Mario jumped onto the Hulk's back, followed by Luigi but both were quickly shrugged off into the dirt.

"This thing will follow us anyway, it seems," Captain America somersaulted over a thrown punch, "At least we're making sure it's not attacking anyone else."

"And what about Hellboy?," Indy asked.

As if to answer him, a chunk of thrown granite shattered against the back of Hulk's head followed by, "Hey jerk!" Hulk spun around to see Hellboy emerging from the destroyed room above. "Cap is right. That book is our priority," Hellboy jumped into the air, brandishing his Right Hand of Doom, "I'll distract the big guy! Go!" He landed, striking the brute across the face with all of his might. The punch managed to turn the Hulk's head slightly but did little more. "Uh, just hurry okay?," Hellboy added.

"Let's go," Cap led the others in Ash's direction.

Hulk raised his fist. Hellboy managed to dart out of the way of the first punch, but the Hulk snatched him by the tail as he moved, yanking him into the air. He swung him over his head and smashed him into the ground. Hellboy struggled to get back up, only for Hulk to deliver an axe-swing blow, embedding the demon into a small crater. With his foe unconscious, the Hulk went after the others.

Not far away, Ash and Landa eyed one another, "I honestly did not bring you here just to point a gun at your face," Landa explained, "So there's no reason why we can't discuss this reasonably."

"You don't know what that book can do!," Ash sneered.

"I think I have an idea."

Just then, Landa's men were surrounding by approaching shadows. At once, they all turned, expecting the returning heroes. What they got instead, were their fellow soldiers who ran during the fight with the demon. They stood motionless. "Where were you guys?," one of the soldiers asked. One German stepped forward and smiled. A moment went by with no answer. There was only the smile.

Before anyone could ask further questions, the Nazi's face turned into a putrid brown color. His eyes buldged out of their sockets and turned yellow. He gnashed his teeth, which were now sharp and crooked. He lunged and bit down into the others soldiers' face, ripping a chunk out of his cheek. The others followed suit. The runaway soldiers tackled their former allies, forcing them to the ground before ripping into them. "One of us!," one of them could be heard shouting.

"No... NOOOO!," Ash shouted and turned his attention to an approaching Nazi, "It's already begun!" He fired, blasting the Nazi's head off, showering Landa with grey matter and bile. Landa hit the ground, a few inches from the Necronomicon. He quickly flipped it open and began rummaging through the pages. Behind him, the undead Nazis continued to feed on the living Nazis, inflicting gruesome bites and slashes. Ash, meanwhile, was pinned against the wall by another Nazi. He used his shotgun as a barrier between him and the undead soldier, then he bit down on his chainsaw's chord with his teeth and pulled, starting it. It buzzed and sent a vibration through his forearm, creating kinetic energy that was begging for release. He brought it down, splattering blood all over his face as he nearly cleaved the Nazi's head in two. Once the monster went limp, he kicked it off. That's when he noticed that Landa was reading from the book. "YOU IDIOT!,"he shouted and raised his chainsaw, ready to plunge it into Landa's back.

Captain America and the others followed the noise, eventually witnessing a legion of zombie Nazis rising from the ground. Nearby, Ash was ready to kill Landa who was reading from the Necronomicon. Before they could fully process the scene playing out in front of them, they heard a roar. Behind them, the Hulk was quickly approaching.

Then everything went dark.


	7. Zombie Nazis In PreHistory

Hans Landa finished the incantation and everything went dark, followed by lightning and a thunderous roar. It was the first spell he could find that might prove to be useful in the situation he found himself in. Considering he was sandwiched between his former soldiers-turned-zombies and a man with a chainsaw for a hand, it might be understandable if he was not very careful. The sun was seemingly blotted out of the sky; the wind blew sharp, spinning into a violent vortex that grew to have a diameter of twenty feet in a matter of seconds. It was during the day but the spell worked much better than expected. He would later speculate that reading the book caused his men to be possessed by Kandarian demons and that gave it added power. The vortex appeared as a funnel cloud, billowing sideways. Everyone froze for a moment with dumb confusion before it began to suck them up. Ash was the first to be swallowed. He kicked and screamed, clawing at the air uselessly as he was pulled into the darkness. Landa was lifted off the ground along with the Book of the Dead still firmly in his grasp. The Nazis came next. By this point, they were all either zombies or they were wounded (and if they were wounded, they would be turned soon enough, it seems). They howled and cackled madly as they disappeared into the funnel. As Landa fell into the swirling vortex, he scarcely made out the figures of Indiana Jones, Captain America, the two small brothers, and what appeared to be a large green monster. They must've arrived on the scene just when the incantation was read. These were thoughts that mostly came after this ordeal was over. The reason being was that at this time, he was far too busy trying not to soil himself. Once they were all inside, the funnel disappeared, leaving the empty street completely untouched.

**Sometime during the Jurassic Period…**

A diplodocus stooped down to a running stream. It extended its long neck and lazily placed its bill in the water to take a drink. There was a loud crackling in the night sky as the wind kicked up. It raised its head in time to see a swirling vortex open in the sky above the jungle. Several strange looking figures seemed to spill out of it before it spun away and dissipated in the air. The dinosaur quickly decided that this was none of his business and continued drinking.

Some of them fell onto a ledge overlooking a valley. The foliage caught them for the most part, allowing them to fall onto soft, prehistoric plants. The Hulk flailed and growled angrily as he hit the very edge, shattering the rocks underneath him before sliding into a groove leading to the valley. "Hulk Smash!," he bellowed but it did not seem to stop him from falling several feet to the jungle below. The rest of the Nazis fell with him, disappearing into the trees. Once he regained his composure, Indiana stood up, noticing the trees and exotic plants around them. An insect crawled up a trunk and it was far too big to be normal, indicating that he was nowhere familiar. The others also rose to their feet.

"Where are we?," he asked.

"We fell through time itself," Ash answered him with a morose tone, "Didn't you notice the dinos, jackass?"

Indiana looked up at the sky, noticing a few pterodactyls flying overhead, "Those things have feathers. They can't be dinosaurs! That's not scientifically accurate!"

They didn't have time to argue further. A Nazi flew at Indiana, tackling him several feet away. The grotesque zombie's face shifted further, becoming more ghoulish and skeletal, "You are all damned!". Indiana held the monster by the throat and grasped for the rifle slung over the Nazi's shoulder with his free hand. His pistol had run out of bullets by now and it was just his luck that he was not able to reload. It snarled and laughed, dripping green ooze onto the archeologist's forehead. Finally, Indiana reached the trigger, unloading several rounds and nearly ripping the demon in half. It flopped onto its side, giving Indy the chance to stand up. The Nazi lay dormant and he breathed a sigh of relief. The moment of tranquility was not going to last long, however. It sat back up with a screeching hiss, barring its teeth. Indy raised the rifle and shoved it into the creature's eye socket, sending up a geyser of blood. It reached for the rifle in an attempt to wrestle it away so Indiana braced himself. He turned his head to spare himself for what he was about to see. When he squeezed the trigger, he could hear the zombie getting blasted apart from the inside out.

Mario and Luigi were cornered by a Nazi. They had backed up all the way to the ledge with a very long drop below. Once there, they knew what they had to do. They nodded to each other and sprang into action,landing on the creature's skull and forcing it to the ground. It growled and tried its best to stand up under their weight. "It's-ah tough one, Mario!," Luigi muttered. "`Den we keep-ah jump'n, Luigi," Mario told him. They began hopping furiously, cracking every bone in the Nazi zombie's body, gradually stomping it into paste.

Captain America was normally against killing his foes but considering these men no longer seemed to be alive anyway, there was no point in not using any means necessary. He slung his shield, slicing the heads off two Nazis as it ricocheted off a boulder. He caught it, threw it onto his forearm and took out another Nazi at his rear while it was advancing. The backswing knocked it to the ground and seemed to stun it long enough for Captain America to raise his shield over his head and bring it down, decapitating the monster. He began to hear cackling from below and quickly spotted the severed heads giggling at him. The bodies sprang back into action, briefly tackling him to the ground. He began to furiously shatter their knees with his kicks, knocking them onto the ground alongside him. Once they were brought to the ground, he went to work, dismembering them completely.

Ash swung the butt of his shotgun into one Nazi, busting out several teeth. Another Nazi took a running leap, only for Ash to duck, rolling it over his back and over the ledge behind him. The zombie with busted teeth came back, only to find that the barrel of the shotgun fit very well now that he no longer had anything in his mouth. A pull of the trigger later, and the back of its head was being sprayed onto the ground. Just to make sure, Ash did an upward swing with his chainsaw, chopping it in half.

Meanwhile, Hans Landa had his hands full. He was wrestling with a zombie on the ground. Once again, his gentle facade faded away and he angrily tossed the zombie off of him and grabbed a nearby rock. He bashed the creature's face in, knocking it to the ground once again. He raised it and brought it down over and over again, eventually opening its skull before being plunged into the frontal lobe. Its hands sprang up, choking the Nazi leader. He gagged and tried his best to pull the hands apart but to no avail. Finally, he took the pistol from his belt and fired several shots into the monster, forcing it to let go. He gasped for air and jumped to his feet.

Indiana jerked Ash over to the side, "So what's the big idea of taking that damn book form us! Do you have any idea how much trouble that thing is?"

"Why do you think I took it from you ya-hoos?," Ash shoved Indiana aside, "I had no idea if you were with me or not but I was damn sure you weren't gonna be smart enough to know what that thing is capable of!"

"Looks like you did a bang-up job of keeping it safe, kid!"

"Fighting amongst ourselves is pointless," Captain America stood between both of them, "We'll explain ourselves fully later. For now, we have others matters to attend to."

Landa dusted himself off and searched along the ground for the Necronomicon. Soon, he discovered it on top of a few rocks. He quickly went for it, onlyto have five figures step in his path. Nervously, he turned his gaze upward, peering at the engry faces above.

"We have some important matters to discuss with you, Herr Landa."


	8. DinoZombie Attacks

The Hulk fell through several branches before flattening a stump. A faint tremor could be felt once he hit the ground and it was followed by another impact. A green fist shattered a tree, sending splinters hurling through the sky. He stood to his feet, snarling as he gazed at his new surroundings. Dr. Bruce Banner could have determined that he was now in the Jurassic Period. The Hulk, on the other hand, only knew that he was in yet another alien world and was infuriated that it kept happening to him. He wanted to lash out at anything he felt was the cause of his dilemma but more importantly, he simply wanted to go home. He punched out a random stegosaurus and stormed off.

Not far away, zombie Nazis rained from the sky. The small lizards and insects scattered as more and more bodies were dumped into the jungle. Many of them received major gashes and broken bones. Not that it mattered. Gradually, they gathered together. Unbeknownst to them, something was watching. They spoke to one another in a garbled, demonic language that was never meant to be heard by human ears. They began to quiet down once they heard the sound of thunderous footsteps. Silence fell over them. Something big was moving through the jungle toward them. Something fast.

A tyranosarus flung itself between two trees, clamping its jaws down onto a soldier who quickly disappeared between its teeth. The others watched with disturbing curiosity as the dinosaur tilted its head back and began to chew, viciously grinding the red mush between its teeth. They murmured to themselves. Some even giggled. Not much longer, the dinosaur swallowed what was left. The T-Rex licked its gums and stomped off. They followed with intent interest.

It didn't get far before the dark forces took hold. The dinosaur lurched forward with a sickening grunt. It snarled and butted its head against the trunk of a tree. Its tiny forearms flailed uselessly. It stomped its hind-quarters, creating mud holes. A large tail twitched wildly. Its slitted eyes began to dilate and turn pale. The night sky grew darker. Somewhere, lightning struck. Its snout quivered into a strange snarl and its teeth grew sharper. Finally, it threw its head back and from somewhere, there came howling laughter.

Mario and Luigi sat on the bank of a river, kicking their feet in unison over the water.

"... and then she say, 'What happened to the goat?' Ha!," Mario laughed out loud and slapped Ash on the shoulder.

"That was probably the most vulgar joke I've ever heard," Ash muttered.

Luigi and Mario continued to laugh hysterically despite Ash's horrified and disgusted expression. Luigi wiped a tear from his eye, "Heh heh... Mario... Ha!," he had to take a moment to finish laughing, "Tell `im about the one with the Pope and Monica Belushi!" Ash stood up and walked away without a word. Not far, the others were looking over the Necromicon. He decided to join if for no other reason, to keep himself from drowning the plumbers in the river.

Landa was now fully aware of the horrors of the Book of the Dead. He was helping them for obvious reasons. He needed to return to his own timeline as much as they did. The fact that they now held him captive was extra incentive. Despite this, there was still something strangely alluring about the ancient book. It was a mystery to be solved. His ego wouldn't allow him to forget it.

"Have you found anything yet?," Captain America asked them.

"It looks like we can open another portal in time and space," Indiana explained. He had been very skeptical of the book's power but for reasons that were now obvious, he was much more respectful towards it legendary status, "But it looks like we don't have any guarantee that it will be our own time."

"I have more experience with that damn book than all three of you jerks put together," he grunted, "I should have a say in how we're gonna use it."

"You're part of the reason why we're in this mess, kid," Indiana spun around and shoved a finger in his face.

"I got a better place you can put that finger, pal!"

"I won't tell you two again," Captain America stood in between them, "Settle down!"

"Americans," Landa muttered to himself in Italian.

"What do you think, Landa?"

"Whatever we choose to do Captain, there's a good possibility that it might cause more problems than it solves."

"It will," Ash whispered, "It always does."

Just then, a T-Rex burst through the trees with a Nazi riding on its back.

**Several Millenia Later...**

Hellboy groaned and rubbed his forehead. When he sat up, he noticed several villagers scattering in different directions, reminding him that he was in Nazi Germany. His head was throbbing. That was the reminder that the Hulk had smashed him into the ground hours earlier. His superhuman durability and healing abilities took care of any serious harm but his head still ached.

He stood to his hooves and brushed the dirt from his jacket. A woman screamed in horror and sprinted down the street. "Ah, you're fine," he grumbled. He decided to use what German he could remember to talk to the few villagers still staying in the area; quickly learning that everyone else had disappeared along with the Necronomicon. "Rats," he said aloud. Bloom told him that a portal back to his timeline would be opening in one day so he decided to make his way back to the drop-spot and wait. He had no idea where the others might be but he surmised that once he returned to the BPRD, someone might be able to help.


	9. What Not To Eat While In PreHistory

The zombie dinosaur's jaws snapped open. Instinctively, Captain America raised his shield, forcing it between its teeth. The dinosaur bit down and jerked its neck to the side, hurling the super soldier into the river. The zombie Nazi on the back of the zombie dinosaur opened fire, forcing Indiana and Landa to flee in opposite directions. Ash started his chainsaw and attacked, only to get head butted by the dinosaur. He was flung into a nearby tree and rendered unconscious. The Mario brothers leaped into action, bouncing off the dinosaur's head before disappearing into the bushes.

As Landa ran, he tripped and fell. He was panicking. He held the Necronomicon in his right hand, trembling for reasons he didn't know. Something whispered to him from within the jungle. Beads of sweat formed on his brow and he began to breathe heavily. Footsteps were approaching and he knew that it wasn't he new found allies. It was his former men-turned-demonic zombies. He was desperate. He could open a portal through time and escape. It was the only way. One quick spell shouldn't hurt anything. He opened the book.

Indiana cracked his whip across the face of an approaching zombie. Behind him, the dinosaur was marching through the jungle, stomping over smaller trees as it made its way closer. Captain America ran in from behind, leaping over a swinging tail as he made his way. He tossed his shield, knocking the Nazi rider off the back. More zombies showed up, blasting away with machine guns, forcing Indy and Cap to duck for cover. Not far away, Mario and Luigi watched from behind a tree.

"Mario, they are-ah powerful," Luigi stammered, "Whadda we do?

"Don't-ah worry, Luigi," Mario stated calmly, "We-ah just need to find a power up."

It was at that point where they noticed large fungus growing nearby. In the Mushroom Kingdom, this sort of mushroom would increase a user's size or possibly give them other abilities. Why should it be any different on this world? "Quick, Luigi," he commanded, "Eat-ah `dis!" They quickly began to eat the fungus.

Drawn by the noise of the fight, the Hulk made his way to the area in time to have a zombie T-Rex gnash its teeth at him. He leaped back as the dinosaur advanced, attempting to chomp down on the green behemoth. Hulk noticed that his former enemies were now fighting an army of foes. This confused him but he had no time to think (not that he thought much to begin with).

The T-Rex lunged for him, only to have its mouth punched shut.

"HULK SMASH NAZI ZOMBIE DINOSAUR!"

The Hulk roared with rage as he grabbed the dinosaur by its jowls and hurled it over some trees. Once he got the creature out of the way, he tried to make up his mind about who to smash next. His enemies seemed to be outnumbered and weren't intent on attacking him. The monsters they were fighting, however, seemed to be the aggressors. Even with his limited intellect, he began to understand that they were not the cause of his current state after all. He did not recognize him at first, but the Hulk realized that Captain America was amongst them. In his anger and confusion, he was unable to fully comprehend He had fought with Captain America as often as he fought against him. This version was different from the one he was familiar with, however. He was younger and didn't seem to recognize him. At any rate, the Hulk was familiar with him and at the moment, he needed familiarity. He would help them.

It was around that time that pillars of light exploded from every direction. As the two plumbers devoured the prehistoric fungus, their pupils dilated and they stared at the light with intense fascination. Ash woke up in time to see light erupting from the sky before shouting, "No, not again!" Captain America and Indiana Jones back-to-back, fighting off the zombies when they noticed it. The Hulk growled angrily and chucked a boulder at one pillar of light. It didn't help.

Several figures began to fall out of the pillars of light.

Mario and Luigi gazed at the lights, slack-jawed. It was hard for them to decide which ones were real and which ones weren't. The clouds above sprouted faces and smiled at them while strange creatures flew through the sky. Somewhere, synthesized jazz music played for them. They finally felt at home.

Somewhere else...

Her name was Beatrix Kiddo. At this moment, she more commonly referred to herself as the Bride. Her motorcycle blasted through the streets of modern Tokyo. She was on a mission. A mission to kill those responsible for taking the life of her child. She did not yet know that her child was still and alive and now, she never will. A bright ray of light opened in the middle of the road, swallowing her.

They were four brothers living under New York. They went mostly unknown in their world; using their ninja skills to fight crime. They were given names of Renaissance artists upon their births but collectively, they were known as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They barely had enough time to respond to the shimmering light pouring through the sewers before they disappeared.

A warrior clad in a futuristic suit of armor raised its arm-canon, blasting a hole through an other-worldly creature. As other creatures advanced, the suit of armor tucked itself into a spherical shape and rolled out of the way unto a small tunnel. The armored bounty hunter was named Samus Aran and she disappeared soon after in a burst of light.

The turtles, the Bride, and Samus Aran fell from their respective bolts of light, hitting the floor of the jungle. Landa's eyes rolled back as he continued to chant. This was not what he wanted. Not that he realized what he was doing. He was no longer in control. As for the figures falling through the portals, they did not have time to collect themselves before the zombies swarmed them.


	10. A Surprise Guest Star

Samus Aran was the first to rise. The zombies' claws and teeth could not penetrate her armor. A gauntlet shattered one Nazi's face. Her arm canon charged up for a second before releasing a bolt of plasma powerful enough to vaporize the zombie laying on top of it. Without hesitation, she rolled into a metal sphere and bolted through the crowd, bowling them over like pins. The others in her party were not so lucky. They were killed almost immediately with the promise that they would soon rise as members of the undead.

Aran lept to her feet and came face-to-face with Captain America and Indiana Jones.

"Who are you people?," she asked.

"No time to explain," Indiana grabbed her by the arm and they quickly pushed her along to regroup with Ash.

The Hulk roared angrily, picking up two Nazis before squashing them in his bare hands. The group stopped dead in their tracks once they realized the Hulk was in front of them. "Crap, not that guy again!," Ash grumbled. The Hulk raised his hands pleadingly, attempting to tell them he no longer wished them harm. He opened his mouth, only to have Aran throw a bomb between his jaws. A plasma explosion erupted from his mouth, causing Hulk to stagger back and cough out a small cloud of smoke.

Behind them, the Nazis sank into the forest, along with their newest victims. Finding no reaosn to persue them, they decided to rest with their two newest allies.

"Hulk... friend," he sputtered.

"I hope so," Samus added, amazed that the Hulk was still alive, much less, still standing.

Not far away, Mario and Luigi leaned against a tree. Their pupils dilated and their jaws hanging open, they felt the last bit of mushroom digest crudely in the pits of their stomachs. They could also feel the colors of the nearby flowers. "Mario," Luigi began, "Why-ah is your head so big?" Before Mario could respond, the bushes began to rustle. A velociraptor poked its head through the bush, staring blankly into the faces of the two plumbers. "Hello, Yoshi," Mario slurred as he stroked the raptor's face.

The others soon came across an unconscious Hans Landa. Ash brutally kicked him awake while Indy shoved the Necronomicon into his satchel. Hans stared at them curiously, "I... I'm not sure what happened," he tried to explain pleadingly.

Indiana snatched him by the collar, "I can help jog your memory!"

"I don't expect you to believe me," Hans defiantly pulled himself away, "That damned book. It... It took control of me, somehow."

"That's usually how it works," Ash explained, "Much as I'd like an excuse to kick his skull in, he's probably telling the truth."

Just then, several beams of light erupted throughout the jungle. The group watched in horror as more figures fell from the sky, far away. Indiana shook his head in disbelief.

Captain America turned to Ash, "What's happening now? No one is touching the book."

"I... I think it's getting more powerful," Ash answered with a horrified expression.

Millions of years later...

Hellboy arrived at his meeting spot outside the small German village. As expected, the sky began to ripple before a white void burst open. Hellboy quickly ran through without pause.

Decades later...

Hellboy arrived at the headquarters of the BPRD. He was greeted by Professor Bloom, Abe Sapien, and several agents. Tesla's time machine rattled and clanked behind him before shutting off. He shook his head.

"We already know," Bloom made a glance over Hellboy's shoulder.

The first thing Hellboy noticed was a blue telephone booth in the room. It didn't seem to be the typical American model. Not that it mattered. He was more concerned why it was there to begin with. A short, quirky man in a large coat raised his hand, shaking it.

"Hello," he said politely.

"Uh, I'm Hellboy."

"You may call me the Doctor."


	11. Dead Time

The man known only as the Doctor was a Time Lord, a time-traveler of mysterious origins. He had a long coat and scarf, his hair was red and would be best described as "a white man's `fro." Hellboy lit a cigar as he spoke.

"The damage done to the time stream has been severe to say the least. I've been able to trace the source of the disturbance here but I fear I may be too late."

"So what's going on exactly?," Hellboy asked.

"In short... the Necronomicon has for all intents and purposes, infected time tiself with a sort of virus if you will due to its usage. I'm afraid I have little information on the Necronomicon but Professor Bloom has been quite helpful."

"What does this virus do?"

"It's gradually decaying the fabric of time. It's killing it. With that, even the dimensional barriers between realities is being torn apart. All of time and space are imploding."

"Great, well let's see if we can't stop that from happening."

Meanwhile, back in the past...

Beatrix Kiddo and the four Ninja Turtles flipped over the bushes, spinning their ninja weapons. Bea kicked Ash to the ground and sliced Indiana's whip in half. "Terrific," he grumbled. Captain America used his shield to block the bladed weapons of Leonardo and Rapheal. Michelangelo slammed his nunchucku against Samus' visor. Meanwhile, Landa had his feet swept out from under him by Donatello's bo staff. Hulk turned his attention to the bright lights in the distance as more figures began to fall through. "Hulk smash bright thing in sky!," he bellowed and made a giant leap for it. "Not yet you idiot," Ash screamed before being knocked down again. Bea stood over him, ready to plunge her Hanzo sword into his ribcage.

"Yay, Yoshi saves the day!," Mario called out.

The plumbers came through, riding on the back of the raptor. It bit down on Beatrix, taking her head clean off. "Look Mario... Koopas!," the brothers jumped off the dinosaur, hopping on top of Donatello, somehow forcing him to get sucked back into his shell. They kicked the shell into Leonardo's face, knocking them both over.

Rapheal stabbed the raptor through the neck, only to have his head blown off from behind by Ash. Samus blasted a hole straight through Michelangelo but when the zombie ninja turtle refused to fall, she took his head. As Leonardo and Donatello climbed back out of their shells, Captain America tackled them. He slammed his shield into Leonardo's throat, decapitating him. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Indiana quickly grabbed Beatrix's Hanzo sword and took Donatello's head while he was still getting up. "I have no more bullets and no whip," he said, examining the blade, "It'll do." He then noticed the Mario brothers projectile vomiting nearby, "What did you fellas eat?"

Before he got an answer, the forest disappeared in the blink of an eye and they found themselves in New York. Specifically, New York circa 1933. From all indications, it was Times Square. A Cabriolet model car drove past them. A newspaper blowing in the wind warned against a possible war in Europe. Men wore hats.

Ash took a look around, "Are we back in the 40's again?"

Indiana shook his head, "Not quite. I'd say we were still about ten years off. Not that I still buy traveling through time."

"You're still skeptical after all that? Did you notice the dinosaurs that almost ate you?"

"Settle down, gentlemen," Captain America told them, "Have you noticed something even more piculiar than our current situation?"

The people on the sidewalk weren't looking at them despite the fact that they had every reason to stare. Instead, they gazed to the skyscrapers looming above them. The group looked up in time to see a bi-plane buzzing overhead. In the distance, they saw the EmpireState Building, at the time, the tallest structure in New York. On top of the building stood a very large ape carrying a blonde woman.

A few blocks away, what was left of the Nazi zombies recruited their latest members: an armored man known only as Master Chief, the Spartan king Leonidas, an elfish warrior named Link, a black insectoid alien called a Xenomorph, another alien hunter often referred to as a "Predator", a cowardly lion from the land of Oz, the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks (SHAFT!), and of course, their pet zombie T-Rex. The vortex continued to swirl above them even though they were now in a different time period. The Hulk landed down the street, causing a mild temor. He gritted his teeth as one more figure began to emerge from the vortex... and it was huge!


	12. King Kong vs Evangelion

In another place and time, the government organization known as NERV detected a strange anomoly, similar to the signals they receive when an "angel" appears in the city. This time was different. This time, there was no giant monster looming over Tokyo. Despite this, they still decided to activate an EVA unit just in case. Shinji Ikari sat ready to be inserted into Unit-01. He had a bad feeling about this particular mission but then again, he always had bad feelings about missions. His unit was activated and he was quickly thrust into the cockpit. All systems were online and the restraints popped open. His unit was sent up the ramp into the city. As expected, there was no sign of any angels.

That's when Shinji felt another presence inside the unit. This actually wasn't unusual. He often felt another consciousness in his unit. Somehow, it felt nurturing even though Shinji hated being inside of it. That presence was absent, however, and in its place was something else. Something horrible. "Oh god, it's in the unit," Shinji shouted into his communication device, "It IS the unit!". "Shinji, what's wrong?," he heard his father's voice. He hated his father but at that moment, he yearned for his father's protection. He yearned for any protection. He tried to respond but in presence was taking over his body. He could feel it seeping into every pore, controrting his limbs and facial features. His mind was the last to go. His final moments were filled with guilt. Once he and his unit were fully absorbed, they fell through time and space, landing onto a New York skyscraper, flattening it.

The Hulk stood firm as dust and debris swept past him, the sidewalk trembling below him. What few New Yorkers there were in the area, scattered or were crushing by pillars of concrete and steel falling on top of them. Unit-01's arms and legs fell limp for a second, smashing through more buildings, causing deep swathes to run down the sides of them. Once it was properly balanced, it sat up amidst a mountain of rubble, fully becoming aware of its surroundings in time to notice the roaring green rage monster dropping from the sky. A swift backhand later and the Hulk was flung clear over the Empire State Building. The EVA stood up and noticed the large monkey on top of the tower in the distance, as well as the bi-planes trying to shoot it down.

King Kong swatted one plane, taking the right wings, sending it spiraling to the ground. The other pilots suddenly noticed the huge purple robot in the distance and quickly made a detour, assuming that a giant purple robot in the middle of the street was just as likely to cause mayhem. Their bullets bounced off its chest before it began smashing them in mid-air between its palms. Seeing the giant robot in the distance, King Kong began to climb back down to ground level. His animal instincts recognized the larger threat above so it made sense to hide down below.

The Hulk landed in front of Captain America, sending a shockwave through the street. "We got the Jolly Green Giant back," Ash exclaimed as the Hulk picked himself up out of the crater. Hans Landa turned away from the party. Leaving the area was his only priority at the moment. After all, it seemed that the longer he was with these me, the more likely it was that he would end up getting eaten. The farther away he was, the safer he would be. The Necronomicon would have to wait. As he turned, he noticed the shadow of a large ape in front of him. At that moment, he changed his mind. He needed Necronomicon as much as he needed an extra penis growing out of his forehead. He only wanted to leave and never see that damn book again.

King Kong roared, gaining the attention of the others. The blonde woman was set carefully on the ground before the ape turned his attention to what he thought were his new foes. The blonde woman took the opportunity to run like Hell, something Hans Landa wished he could have done if it wasn't for the mess he was making in his pants.

Above them, the massive EVA Unit loomed, ready to stomp them. Acting quickly, the Hulk tackled King Kong and hurled the giant ape into the air where he bounced off the face of the giant robot. The EVA lurched back, nearly toppling the building behind it.

Te party began to hear a strange mechanical sound nearby, turning, they saw a strange blue police phone booth materialize. Once it fully solidified, the door popped open, revelaing Hell Boy. "Long time no see, fellas. Come with us if you want to live. By the way, it's bigger on the inside." Not missing a beat, the group quickly sprinted into the phone booth which, despite their numbers, they could easily fit. Moments later, the the phone began to disappear again just as the EVA unit above planted a large metal boot. Realizing that its foes were gone, the EVA settled on devouring the giant dead monkey instead.


End file.
